I keep adding paragraphs to this thing in hopes of better explaining myself. Somebody, stop me.
The ol' blog's going private next week—temporarily, most likely. I use the term "private" rather loosely, as I'll gladly grant you access if you send me (panacea05@yahoo.com) your e-mail address.
I'm feeling very vulnerable at the moment (Of the four hundred people who read my post about my latest miscarriage, about a dozen reached out.), and while I do enjoy sharing my story—and appreciate every single one of my creepers (that's a term of endearment)—I need to know who's following along right now.
I hate having to share news (i.e., pregnancies) retrospectively, so I'm going to be more in-the-moment with regards to what my uterus is up to—but I have to know who knows what; shit's about to get really personal up in this bitch. :) I loved being able to be document my feelings during the first trimester of my pregnancy with Arlo, and the only reason I felt comfortable enough to do so was because my blog was private.
I should note that this security change is mainly an attempt to keep track of which people from my IRL world are reading my blog. (Let me add that I'm glad you are! I just have to know who you are.) I wish there was a way to keep things open to all of the loss mamas who happened upon it during or after their own darkest days, but that's impossible. I want you to know that you are the reason I started this blog, and you are the reason I continue it.
To anybody who doesn't want to come out of the closet right now, I'll make all my posts visible to you again once I'm able to go public with a pregnancy—so you'll be able to catch up then, if you feel so inclined. See you soon, I hope!
(Oh, and I'm doing this now, rather than later, because it would be really obvious what was going on if I were to randomly do it two or three months from now. That would basically be the equivalent of posting a picture of a positive pregnancy test or something.)
4 comments:
Hi Amanda-
I have been following your story pretty much from the beginning on TTCAL, I'm Allie-Jo if that rings a bell, if not, that's ok. I just wanted to let you know I am one of the 400 who read your blog last night, and while I didn't comment (fearing you had no idea who was anymore) my heart was practically breaking into a million pieces for you. This is the most evil cross we have to bear, but I am so happy that you have your LO to hold onto and give you comfort. I would love to continue following your story if that's ok with you, but if not, I totally understand!
Absolutely, Alexandra! I totally remember you, and even if I didn't, loss mamas don't have to explain themselves. :)
Just e-mail me from your e-mail address if you could. I'm trying to keep all of the requests in one place so I don't forget anybody.
Thanks for following. <3
panacea05@yahoo.com
Amanda,
Hello! My name is Alison. I'm also a "creeper." :) I can't remember how I found your blog (The Bump maybe?) At any rate, I have followed your whole pregnancy with Arlo and was so happy you finally received that precious gift.
I have two little boys (5 & 2.5). I lost #3 at the end of May. I was supposed to be almost 10 weeks. We had seen a beautiful heartbeat 2 weeks before. When I went back for a check up, there was no heartbeat. We were devastated. I had a D&C and am nearing the time we can start trying again. I'm so nervous it will happen again. It was just so hard. I just wanted to overshare with you so you feel a little more comfortable!
I will email you because I'd love to continue to follow your journey. Hopefully we will both have new babies very soon. :)
Hi Amanda! I'm definitely considered a "creeper"! I came across your blog when you were early in your pregnancy with Arlo! I was a couple months behind you and had my baby boy in June. I love reading your blog and I think you are such an incredible person and mother. My heart broke for you when I read about the miscarriage. I am truly so so so sorry, it just doesn't seem fair. Good luck to you and I can't wait to be following you again when you have your next little baby on the way! Ps: your son is soooo adorable! Love all his smiles (:
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