Saturday, August 10, 2013

Here We Go Again

It's so tough. Sometimes, I wish I would have kept this blog anonymous so I could be completely honest about everything—without co-workers, friends, and family knowing every detail of my life—but then, I wouldn't be able to share pictures, and what fun would that be? I know you only continue to visit my blog to look at photos of my chunkalicious boy (and I can't say I blame you—he's pretty awesome).

Anyway, I promised myself I'd be 100% open on this blog with regards to my reproductive issues (whatever they may be) because I originally started this thing in hopes of making somebody, somewhere feel a little less alone—but at the same time, I really don't want the entire IRL world to know all of my private business.

After mulling it over for a few days, I've decided that while I have no idea who the hell reads this thing—or who may stumble upon it in the future—it's important for me to be honest with you.

So here goes.

I'm having a miscarriage. As I type this, I'm losing a fourth baby. Well, I guess waiting to lose it would be a more accurate statement. My poor stupid body is hanging onto a doomed pregnancy.

I'm sad, but more than that, I'm angry. I'm angry that after dozens of tests and painful procedures last year, nothing turned up anywhere. I believe in bad luck. I don't believe in this kind of bad luck. What the fuck is going on?

When I realized this pregnancy was most likely over a few nights ago, I snatched Arlo out of his rock 'n play and brought him into bed with me. I held his tiny hand, kissed his scrumptious cheeks a thousand times, and soaked his wild and wonderful hair with my tears.

And marveled at what a miracle he really is.

Danny and I have made five babies (just typing out that number makes me sick), and only one—our sweet, perfect Arlo—was able to join us in this world.

I'm doing my best to treat this loss as a reminder—albeit a painful one—of how truly blessed we are to have Arlo.

Shared the news with Danny by putting this shirt on Arlo and calling him into the room to help me with a dirty diaper (that didn't exist).

But I'm not sure I needed one. 

15 comments:

Christina said...

I'm so sorry. It's just not fair. I wish you weren't going through this again. ((Hugs))

Nicole Main said...

Hang in there. I have no idea what you're going through, but God must know you are strong enough to handle it. This makes me so sad to hear. Hang on to that shirt cause I will pray that Arlo WILL be a great big brother someday. Stay strong and hold that perfect little guy a little tighter. You guys are in my prayers.

Nicole said...

I want to cry for you again and again .

jessica dukes said...

:-( i had a breakdown on thursday, felt like i was going crazy thinking what if i never get pregnant again, what if we never have a baby...so hard. i am so sorry you are going through this again. totally not fair. but you have a sweet reminder of all the good in sweet little arlo, and i know sooner than later he will have a little brother or sister to share the house with him. praying for you. sometimes i hate my (our) bodies.

Amanda said...

Jessica, not knowing if I'd ever be a mama is the deepest hurt I've ever known... and my heart breaks for you.

I'm so sad right now, but Arlo has been a great source of comfort. A loss after you've already had a baby doesn't compare to a loss/TCC, etc. when you haven't been blessed with a baby yet.

Prayers that our bodies get it together. <3

jenth said...

I'm one of those people who has been following your blog but you don't know me. I had two miscarriages and have a baby who is 6 months now and your blog helped me through my pregnancy.

I'm so sorry and just wanted to tell you that you are helping people and that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Katy G. said...

My heart sank for you when I saw the title. I knew what the rest was going to say & I hate that you are going through this again. No one should have to go through this once, let alone 4 times. I'm so sorry.

Erica said...

My heart breaks again for you. I'm so sorry.

Unexpectedly Expecting! said...

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart sank when I read this. I have been reading your blog for a while and I LOVE seeing pictures of Arlo. He is just the cutest little guy!

I will be thinking about you!!

Colleen Garvin said...

I have not been on here in a while , and read this last night...choking back the tears . My heart is heavy for you, my dear friend(s), and I am always and forever here for you....You are in my prayers and thoughts . Give Arlo a kiss for me , and his girlfriend Olivia says hi!

Anonymous said...

So so sorry.

Emily Kimble said...

I'm so so sorry to hear this. I wish I had something more to offer, but this just sucks. I've had two losses and also have a 4 month old miracle boy, so my heart breaks in a special way for you. Sending (weird, creeper) Internet hugs.

Emmett Katherine said...

I'm a bit behind and catching up now - so sorry you guys are going through this.

Ang said...

This is heartbreaking. You've more than paid your dues. Hug that adorable baby of your extra tight. Thinking of you, hoping that it's smooth sailing from here on out.

April said...

My heart is breaking for you, Amanda. I'm so sorry you're going through this again.

I'm April from PGAL and TTCAL, and I check in on your blog once in a while. My little guy was born a couple of months after Arlo. He's going to be a big brother one day, I know it. So much love and hugs to you.