Friday, February 8, 2013

Guido's Mommy?

I’m obviously not just realizing this, but the other day, it really, really hit me that, soon, it won’t just be Danny and me. I won’t share with you the incident that sparked this understanding, but just know that it was hilarious—and wildly inappropriate for this blog.

In 7 weeks or so, it’s not always going to matter what Danny and I want to do. Guido isn’t going to care that I need to have a dance party in the kitchen with my husband right now. Danny and I won’t be able to decide on a whim that if we don’t go somewhere for dessert immediately, we’ll die. 

As much as we love to support small businesses, we really can't get enough of Applebee's Triple Chocolate Meltdown.

No more spontaneous naps or impromptu other-things-people-do-all-over-the-house-when-they’re-in-love. Guido will be our first priority.

I’m absolutely not saying this is going to suck. If I haven’t made it clear yet that I’d do anything for our baby, then this blog is a big fat fail. Our tiny little family of 2 (and a bunch of animals) is becoming a less-tiny family of 3 (and a bunch of animals). It’s awesome and exciting—but it’s going to be such a huge change. A change we're ready for, but still. A change.

I think what freaks me out even more than all of this is the fear of losing my own identity. Maybe “fear” is too strong of a word—but it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot.

Months ago, I happened upon a blogger who, in her blog description, said something like, “I’m Cara. Well, for now, anyway! Soon, I’ll be Aiden’s Mommy!” (I changed both of those names because I’m not a complete asshole.) Ummm, what? This is exactly what I don’t want to happen to me. I want to be Guido’s mom and Amanda—forever. And I want to be awesome at both of those things, not just one or the other.

We see this all the time. People aren’t always as blatant about it as “Cara,” but think of your newsfeed on Facebook, for example. I’ve been referring to it as “Babybook” for a couple years now. As soon as some people have babies, they lose the ability to update the world about anything else. It drives me insane, and I unsubscribe from all of these people—and no, I don’t make exceptions. (I’ve unsubscribed from my own sister.) I’m not Facebook friends with your baby. I’m Facebook friends with you. (And why is your profile picture a photo of your baby? That isn't you. I'm confused.) I don’t need to know what your kid is wearing every Friday. Get a blog, and when I feel like looking at random babies, I'll go read it. I'm less bothered by people who post about their babies as well as other things.

I’m sure a lot of this annoyance stems from my miscarriages—and remembering how gut-wrenching it was to see baby after baby after baby in my newsfeed during my darkest hour. (While we're on the subject, get your ultrasound photos off Facebook. You have no idea how much you could be hurting somebody... and if you've suffered a loss and still have ultrasound photos on Facebook, double-shame on you.)

But I didn't like being inundated by baby photos and totes adorbs stories before that. It's so strange that people think their entire friends list cares that much about their baby. They don't! I promise. Do these look-at-my-baby-right-now-all-the-time people have nothing else going on in their lives? I'm sure being a parent is freaking incredible, but have they all become just parents? Have they lost sight of who they are as people?

This isn't going to fly in the Celis household, mark my words. Yes, Danny and I will share the occasional photo of Guido on Facebook, but even after Guido is safely in my arms, I'm going to be me: still irreverent, with the same interests I've had forever—and I'll always find this hilarious:

And don't worry. Danny will still post photos of monkeys running away with puppies, our cats cuddling on the couch, idiotic vanity plates, and what he's eating for dinner. He'll still complain that nobody can spell, the bank's new radio ad is awful, and Scooter destroyed his <insert expensive item he uses every day here>. He'll still be a well-rounded person—and a better parent because of it.  
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a dance party to attend.


Anonymous said...

I have to respectfully disagree with you about the ultrasound pics after a loss... I had 2 miscarriages at 10 and 12 weeks respectively. Seeing other peoples babies/ultrasound pictures was not always EASY for me, but it never made me mad or anything like that. I am only facebook friends with people I care about, so I wanted to see and be a part of such a big part of their lives and what is making them so happy. Im sure it is different for everybody, but my pain and sadness has NEVER taken away from my happiness for my friends happiness. I choose not to let bitterness and resentment rule my life.

Amanda said...

Anonymous, that's great for you! My pain absolutely did eclipse my happiness for my loved ones, and there's no shame in that, either. Most of my loss mama friends share the same sentiments as me, so consider yourself lucky that bitterness never "ruled your life."

And to specifically address the ultrasound photos issue, even you admit that they weren't easy for you to see, and nowhere did I say that they make me angry. I do know they hurt people, and on my blog, I thought I'd share this information—in case it's something that never even crossed somebody's mind. :)

Maxsom said...

I 100% agree and love, love, love you for saying everything you said in this blog! Many folks lose sight of not only themselves, but other people and their lives become about nothing more than being a parent. I've watched my own sister completely forget about taking care of herself, completely forget that she used to care about her appearance after she became a mom. Yes, parenting will be the top priority, but you're important as well. I totally believe that Guido is one of the luckiest babies in history because he has Danny and Amanda as parents.

And, as someone who's gone through three miscarriages in the past 16 months, I respectfully disagree with "anonymous." I struggle finding the heart to be happy while I sit back and watch everyone get what I so desperately want and deserve and it does make me angry to see people's ultrasound pictures on Facebook. And no, I don't let bitterness rule my life. In fact, I'm doing pretty darn okay for someone less than two months removed from a d&c. I decided a long time ago that if it ever becomes my turn, anyone interested will be referred to my blog and that is the only place I will be incessantly posting pictures and baby updates.

Anonymous said...

I just found your blog today. I never comment on blogs, but I have to now, because I don't want anybody who may be reading this to think that Anonymous is in the majority.

I'm sitting here bawling, waiting for my second baby to pass. An ultrasound picture would kill me right now, and I know I can't go anywhere near Facebook because something will inevitably hurt my feelings.

I find Anon's implication that this makes me bitter and resentful to be very offensive, and it's quite surprising coming from somebody who has gone through this herself.

Again, thank you for sharing these thoughts. I'm sorry for all you've been through. Your story is so inspiring. Best to you, your husband, and baby on the way.


Maxsom said...

Ang - Just wanted to tell you that I'm so sorry for what you're going through. *hugs*

Amanda said...

Maxsom, you've been through so much, and it just breaks my heart. :( You're doing AMAZINGLY well for somebody who suffered a loss less than 2 months ago. I have a hunch "Anonymous's" miscarriages aren't nearly as recent.

Thank you for speaking up here, and letting people know that not everybody agrees with Anonymous. I'd hate for a bunch of people to think I'm a Bitter Betty. ;)

Amanda said...

Ang, as soon as I read that you're waiting to miscarry, my eyes filled with tears for you. That wait is SUCH hell. I hope the physical side of this whole nightmare is over soon for you—and that it's as quick and painless as possible. I am so, so sorry for your losses, and I hate that you're going through this.

Please don't let Anonymous's comments offend you. Any bit of bitterness you're feeling right now is NORMAL, because you're human.

If Anonymous truly never felt one bit of resentment or jealousy, well, more power to her.

Big, big ((hugs)) and lots of hope for happiness and a "sticky baby" in your very near future.

Amy said...

Another random RPLer just commenting to say I also "respectfully disagree" with Anonymous. *scurries off to continue being bitter and resentful*

Amy said...

BTW, it's a good thing Blogger ate my first comment, because it was much more colorful in language and you may even have deleted it. LOL

Amanda said...

Amy, thanks for chiming in, and for what it's worth, no, I probably wouldn't have deleted your original post. :)

paisleybaby33 said...

Oh, sweet, sweet friend. This post is one of the many reasons why I adore you. Thank you for saying these things. Thank you for sharing the sentiments of so many women. The sentiments you and I have collectively cried over together in the past year and those that still break my somewhat "bitter" heart as a momma of two angels. Guido is the luckiest little guy ever.

Amanda said...

Nothing but lots and lots of love, paisleybaby. <3

Anonymous said...

Well, me and my family use Facebook as an easy way to stay somewhat connected with each other as we are scattered across the country and world. Uploading albums of our families allows us to keep updated with cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, and grandparents that may we may go a year or years without seeing....not to mention it's a quick and free way to back up photos. We don't all have time to concoct cleaver statements and sarcastic comments to post; or to make sure we have the "correct" ratio of kids vs. other-stuff topics. Not everyone views FB as a platform to represent who we are as human beings, FYI. I think you're on the right track though; if you don't like what someone posts, then don't waste your time looking at it! I just wanted to throw my two cents out there before I follow my own advice.....peace.

Amanda said...

Anonymous #2, I'm sorry you've taken this post so personally.

Amanda said...

Anonymous #2, I was going to be nice, but since your comment is riddled with sarcasm, I'll give you a proper response; rest assured that the majority of your friends list—the people who aren't part of your scattered-across-the-country family—thinks you're really, really annoying. Peace!

Anonymous said...

Sorry - my comment wasn't very nice. Good luck to your family!

Laura said...

So... I just wanted to add a different perspective to this. Not disagreeing with what the majority of people have already said. But just adding my own experience when it comes to Facebook and baby posts. I actually found that once I had my baby, I couldn't find anything to say on Facebook anymore. Nothing clever came to mind, nothing sassy or insightful. Nothing personal that reflected who I was. I was consumed. Consumed with love, yes, but also with exhaustion and loneliness. Our newborn phase was such a terribly difficult road for me, Facebook was the only connection I had to the world outside of my house. I have no family in town, knew no one else with children at the time, and no one came to visit. I was therefore on FB all the time. But I fiercely believed then, as I do now, it's no place to air my dirty laundry, baby related or otherwise. I couldn't see complaining about how hard it was, what kind of a horrible mother would I be if I did? And I couldn't fake it either. So i kept painfully silent. The one thing i could do was post pictures, because people "like babies," and by posting them, people would comment.

I don't know how many I've posted over the last 18 months. Probably more now then i even did in the beginning, and things are great now. I do know that I myself am conscious not to loose myself in my kid. (But as a full time working momma, I don't see how that is possible. It's just logistics.) But I know that part of why I use fb then AND now is to feel connected to people. To share my life. And he IS my life, even if he's not my identity.

Amanda said...

Laura, I'm not expecting anybody to change their posting habits because of my blog post. :P I can't dictate what people use Facebook for—and neither can anybody else. However, I recently explained to a friend that I do reserve the right to unsubscribe from people on my friend's list, even people I love very much. I'm sure there are people who LOVE pictures of your little guy... and I'm sure there are people who'd rather not see them. That's just how it is. You can't please everybody on your friend's list any better than I can please everybody who happens upon this blog. :)