365 Days

365 days ago, I got a positive pregnancy test, and—well, you know the story—I lay awake in bed for hours on end, waiting for Danny to come home from work so I could share our happy news by saying to him, "Kiss your baby and tell him to stay in there and grow big and strong."

I started this blog while I waited for Danny to come home that night, having no idea what direction it would take. I didn't know if I'd lose the pregnancy and end up with an infertility blog, or if I'd actually get to document my third pregnancy, from pregnancy test to delivery. I did know that I was going share everything until, come hell or high water, I got my miracle.

A million prayers, hopes, tears, laughs, kicks; the loss of "Twin A;" and 8 months, 6 days later, Arlo was born. One of my first thoughts upon seeing him was that he possessed the beauty of all 3 of his lost siblings, and somehow, he's gotten more gorgeous every day. I love my little miracle with a ferocity I can't explain.

And I feel blessed beyond measure that this is what I'm posting a mere 365 days after starting this blog.

What a year.

And thank you for coming along for the ride.

Welcome, World!

That's right. (Scooter's sign could also say,
"I ate a couch cushion this week," but this is a happy blog entry.)

I've been keeping this top-secret pregnancy blog for over 2 months, and we couldn't be more thrilled to finally share it with all of you. I can't believe we've made it to this point.

So, yep. After experiencing hell on earth, saying goodbye to 3 babies, and crying more tears than anybody should have to cry in an entire lifetime, Danny and I are pleased to announce...

I'm 13 weeks pregnant.

Here's the super short story:  We're expecting a baby on April 5, 2012! (11/27/12: Our due date changed to April 2nd.) Wahoo!!

Here's the short-ish story: 

July 23, 2012:  I get a very early positive pregnancy test (at only 3 weeks, 1 day pregnant).

August 11, 2012:  At 5 weeks, 6 days pregnant, we rush to the emergency room after lots and lots of horrific bleeding--and I know I'm miscarrying again. Surprisingly, an ultrasound shows that I have a hemorrhage that's causing the bleeding and pain--and a healthy little baby, measuring right on track!

August 14, 2012:  We learn that the hemorrhage is actually our baby's twin that had passed away. Surviving baby has a healthy heart rate of 129bmp and is the perfect size for his/her age (6 weeks, 2 days). Cue biggest roller coaster ride of emotions ever.  

August 29, 2012:  Baby has a strong heart rate in the 170s and is still looking great at 8 weeks, 3 days.

September 12, 2012:  At 10 weeks, 3 days, we have a perfect ultrasound (and I'll remember this as the day I actually start to believe that we might really be bringing this baby home with us).

September 26, 2012:  Another great doctor's appointment at 12 weeks, 3 days (no ultrasound is necessary this time, but we hear a beautiful heartbeat on the doppler).

For the long story, feel free to go back and read the 29 blog entries leading up to this one. Be sure to check out my personal favorite, "Surprise Announcement Party," from September 23rd. 

It goes without saying that there's a special place in my heart for my friends who are struggling on their journeys to parenthood. I'm rooting for you with everything I have.

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank anybody who's cheered Danny and me on, prayed for us, or reached out to us in any way, shape, or form over the last year or so--the few people who weren't afraid to acknowledge our lost babies. You know who you are. Your thoughtfulness will never, ever be forgotten. You were with us through the worst; now, join us for the best.

Here we go! This is gonna be amazing.

Because I love bloopers. 

My Support Group

After my first loss, I started participating in an online miscarriage support group. Just knowing I wasn't alone--that other healthy, normal women have lost babies, too--saved me. I didn't want to talk to anybody besides Danny during that time because I felt like I was on a completely different plane of existence than everybody else in my life. I couldn't listen to other people's "problems" without wanting to slap the shit out of them. (To a certain extent, I still can't.) Meeting these other miscarriage survivors, ladies who "got it" dragged me out from under my sad, lonely rock.

Over these last 9 months or so, I've become very close to several of these ladies, and a group of us from Ohio have our own private Facebook group, where we talk nearly every day--and we've even met in person a few times. (If you'd have told me a year ago that I'd be driving to Columbus to meet some strangers from the Internet, I would have laughed.)

Anyway, I got a package in the mail today from my Ohio girls, and it melted my heart. They just wanted me to know they're thinking of me and remembering my baby's lost twin. I'm so, so lucky to have met these ladies.


Edgar loves my gift as much as I do.

6 Weeks = Sweet Pea (And Some Sad News)

I'm actually 6 weeks, 2 days pregnant today, and our baby is approximately the size of a sweet pea. Danny remembered to buy sweet peas when he got groceries this week. How cute is that? I picked the largest sweet pea I could find to reflect these extra two days.

We waited to take these photos until we knew Sweet Pea was okay. We had a serious scare on Saturday, and we didn't know until today that everything's still on track.

So, Saturday. Lots of blood and clots. I had every reason to believe I was miscarrying, and I almost just let nature run its course, but I figured we should head to the ER so they could confirm that it was over.

Imagine our surprise when the doctor told us that Sweet Pea was measuring right on track with a heart rate of 103bpm! He told me this rate was on the low side, which I knew was bullshit. Anything over 90 is bangin' for a 5w6d baby. Some babies don't even have a heartbeat this early.

He went on to say that I have a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH), which I still don't entirely understand. All I heard was "...does increase the risk of miscarriage..." and "...very well could still miscarry..." He sent us home and told me not to leave my bed until I could see my OB. We spent the weekend not even knowing what to think, and trying (and failing) not to fall in love with Sweet Pea until my OB could (hopefully) put our minds at ease.

My appointment with my OB was today. I can't tell you how nervous we were. When the sonographer said, "Baby has a heart rate of 129!" Danny wailed. It was one of the most wonderful sounds I've ever heard, second only to the sound of our baby's heartbeat. Baby is measuring 6w2d, which is exactly where he/she should be.

Here comes the crazy stuff. My OB is very pleased with Sweet Pea's progress, but she told us that my SCH is a complex hemorrhage, which means it was most likely a twin that passed away. I actually was miscarrying on Saturday. Apparently, this is called "Vanishing Twin Syndrome" and happens more often than people realize. The remaining tissue--the SCH--poses no risk to Sweet Pea. How's that for bittersweet? I'm doing my best not to dwell on what we've lost, and instead, focus my attention on the healthy little baby we do have, but wow. How much shit do we have to go through?

I'll probably mention them often, but I'll never really write about my miscarriages because its the kind of pain that I could never put into words--but suffice it to say that when we suffered our first two losses, not only did we mourn our babies, we mourned a version of the future that we'll never, ever get to live. This is how I feel about today's news. We've been robbed of yet another version of the future--this time, one with twins. They would have been best buddies. I can't believe we have three babies in heaven.

But Sweet Pea's still here--and healthy, and I'm head over heels in love.